Oftentimes in life things happen that you don't necessarily plan for. Going on a leave in my 3rd year of teaching is one of those things I really did not plan or expect was going to happen. After re-organization, I was given a very difficult class. Teaching middle school can already be challenging but here I was trying to build a positive classroom space a month after school had already started, while trying to navigate a variety of classroom dynamics that weren't healthy. My students didn't get along with each other, many of them were falling behind academically and there was a lot of explosive behaviors in my classroom. I thought I could push through the whole year but day by day, I felt like I was starting to hate the person I was becoming while working. I would drive home after work and would cry and swear at the top of my lungs. I was becoming so cynical, angry and frustrated. I felt like I couldn't do my job well and at the same time, I had all these expectations put on me all at once that didn't feel humanely possible to reach. Almost everyday I kept telling my family how much I didn't want to be at school but yet, I held onto hope that maybe things could change and be better than they were. Every now and then I would have a good day but my hard days became the norm. Then one week I had reached my breaking point and decided I was finally going to talk to my doctor. I booked an appointment unsure about what the outcome would be, but I just knew something had to change. My last day of school was a Wednesday, and that day four of my students had gotten suspended. I left school that day feeling unsupported and just so angry. I knew as I walked out of the school doors that I wasn't coming back. The next day I met my doctor and told her I needed to go on leave starting that week. It has now been 10 weeks since I left my classroom. Currently, I am in the process of figuring things out to return to work. There are still many unknowns related to when I will go back and in what context. But as I prepare for my return to work, I thought I'd share some of the things I've learned during my time off.
1. Work does not define you. Your purpose and identity aren't found in what you do. You can still live meaningfully when you aren't working a full time job 2. Relationships are what make life worth living 3. Work will always be there, your health will not. It is not worth it to sacrifice your well being for a job. You are replaceable at work so do not feel guilty for doing what you need to do for your own health. 4. People might not understand your decision; you aren't required to explain yourself to anyone. People will also be more supportive and understanding than you expected. 5. Even though you feel like you failed as a teacher because you took a leave so early in your career, this is one of the best career decisions you could have ever made 6. Life is meant to be enjoyed. Busyness and work can sometimes distract us from the pure joy of being alive 7. At first, rest will feel daunting. But with time, you will begin to value and appreciate the beauty in resting. Your worth isn't found in your productiveness 8. Prioritize the things that truly matter to you. You won't always have as much time as you'd like but learn to make time. 9. Your family won't always be close by, cherish them while they are 10. God's timing is absolutely perfect, always. He uses every part of our story for good.
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So, I spent most of my third week in Guatemala recovering from Covid. Yep, of all places to get Covid, I got it here.
On Monday morning I had two classes at the school. My throat had a little tickle in it, and I thought it would just go away. But the next day, I did not feel good. I had body aches, chills, a horrible headache and was so tired. I took a Covid test to be safe but it came back negative. I thought I just had the flu. I was slowly starting to feel better but still had some of my symptoms on Thursday so I decided to take another test and it came back positive. I was actually surprised when I saw it was positive. I definitely was not expecting my first time getting Covid to be in another country. I had to isolate for five days. My isolation period just ended yesterday. Although most of my symptoms are gone, I am extremely tired and have very little energy. Doing simple tasks make me feel wiped out. I did my laundry today and felt like I could barely walk up the few stairs to get to my room. I will be taking it easy and slow during this last week I have here. It is unfortunate that my trip had to end with me staying in my bed for most of the day but getting Covid really reminded me to slow down. I think the Lord knew I just needed to take a break, instead of constantly doing something. I am so used to doing stuff all the time, that I often equate slowing down with boredom. But after the school year I've had, I'm realizing that my body needs rest even more than I realize. Honestly, even coming to volunteer in Guatemala for a whole month was pushing things for me more than I think I realized at the time that I booked this trip. And a part of me wonders if God used Covid just to give me space to truly rest here. So often it isn't until I am forced to rest because my body has no other choice, that I actually allow myself to slow down without feeling guilty. So, for August I am prioritizing rest. I will enjoy every slow morning and having no plans. I will spend my days at the beach reading books, listening to music and journalling. I am going to give myself space to truly rest for the second half of this summer, because God knows I need it. My second year of teaching was VERY hard on my body mentally and physically. I was worn out after this past year. But instead of just giving myself permission to do nothing at all and just take time to recover, I planned to volunteer in Guatemala for five days a week, 7 hours a day. I don't regret coming to Guatemala at all. I am thankful I was able to spend my time here. But I think even my decision to volunteer here after such a hectic school year is showing me how often I resort to busyness because I hate the idea of boredom. Sometimes it's a good thing to be busy and sometimes it's a good thing not to be. This summer has been slowly showing me how to balance the two. I am learning how to listen to my body and actually respond to what it needs. I love how God uses even sickness to teach me something. I am praying that I will get the rest and peace that I need during the rest of this summer, before I go back to work in September. This is only my second time in Guatemala and my second time leaving North America. This time I am visiting on my own instead of with a group and although there's some challenges that come with travelling alone, I've been thankful for this time. I mean I am not truly alone because I am staying with two other girls, but deciding to visit a country initially alone is definitely a new experience for me.
For the first time in a long time, I feel truly happy and content with where I am in life. When there's joy inside of you, simple moments become joy-filled moments. I've been learning how to enjoy and appreciate my own company and the presence of God. I don't have to be surrounded by people to feel good, I don't have to do be busy to feel better about myself. There's something beautiful that happens when you just start to enjoy and appreciate the simple moments right in front of you. All of a sudden you realize that joy isn't as far off as you thought, and it isn't as hard to find as you belived. The first picture of me in the top left was taken when I was on the roof of the school. I wasn't doing anything specatular or worth documenting, but I felt so good. I looked at the mountains around me and sang and danced and felt so free and light and thankful. There's this temptation to believe that happiness is found in doing more, in spending more, in being around more people. But what if I told you the happiest moments I've experienced have been when I was alone in nature with God, or surrounded by one or two of the people I love most in this world. Happiness isn't found where you think it is. Sometimes you just have to open your eyes and appreciate what's right in front of you. I think being in Guatemala is teaching me that. There's something so calming and healing about being surrounded by nature and greenery and mountains. I look at the mountains and hills and just stand in awe. I just want to soak them in. I could stare at them all day. What if I approached life with that same awe? What if I just stood in awe of this life I've been given instead of worrying about what is coming next? What if I just took time to focus on the beauty right in front of me. My prayer is that thankfulness and joy would exude from me more often. I pray that I can sink deep into the moments right in front of me instead of letting fear take hold. This life is short and it's a sacred thing to be alive. I don't want to miss out on all that God is doing, I want to have a "joie de vivre" that comes from Almighty God. I want a joy that can't be taken away. I've been in Guatemala for almost two weeks.
I first arrived here on Friday, July 8 in the morning and had the weekend to settle in before classes started on Monday. I will be here for the next month and am teaching 2 English classes. The classes are very small: one class has six students and the other has only two. It has been really nice to experience teaching in a new and different context. After teaching this year in Ontario with my first classroom for the whole year, I felt very burnt out and exhausted. It has been refreshing being able to experience teaching in a context that doesn't feel draining but meaningful. I love being able to help students gain a skill that will be valuable for them in the future. My students are very respectful and work hard. And I have been enjoying these past two weeks teaching them. Guatemala is such a beautiful country and I don't know if I will ever get over waking up to the mountains every morning. I could look at them every day. My new favorite thing has been noticing all the beautiful and different flowers around the school. I am constantly taking pictures of the flowers here because they are gorgeous! My first week being here was a week of adjusting to new things. My stomach didn't feel the greatest the first week and I felt nauseous and had stomach cramps for a few days. But it has been nice slowly being able to adjust into my new routine. I have to be at the school for 7 am and we finish at 2:30. Every morning we start the day with devotionals and worship God together. It's such a blessing being in the presence of God with other people every single day. Since being here I've realized that dreams coming true, doesn't mean that everything will be easy and rose-colored. I have had to adjust to being in Guatemala in a context that is so different than my last trip here. I did not come down with a group but on my own. Although I live with two other girls who also teach at the school, they are both very independent. Cooking and grocery shopping for yourself in a new country is also a whole new experience! There have been a lot of new and uncomfortable experiences that come with being in a new country, especially when you aren't proficient in the dominant language. But I'm learning that just because things are hard, does not mean that they are not good. The longer I am here, the more thankful I am that I get to spend this month in this country. I feel like God has a lot to speak to me and teach me while I am here and I want to be open to what He wants to do. I'm thankful that He allowed me to come back at just the right time, for the right length of time. I am praying that my last two weeks here will be fun but also meaningful. I'll be back soon with even more flower pictures!! Talk soon, Shana Shaye In 2017 I went to Guatemala for seven weeks with an organization called Global Shore Opportunities. Those 7 weeks in Guatemala marked me in a way that I can't fully explain and ever since I've left I have been dreaming of going back. There are so many things about my trip to Guatemala that resonate so deeply with me. I think one of the things about Guatemala that I never let go of, was how much at home I felt there. I have lived in Canada my whole life, up to now I have lived in four different cities, yet I never felt as at home in any of these places the same way I did in Guatemala.
It was the simple things that made a foreign place feel like home to me. It was the way that people would say good morning to each other every time they passed one another by. It was the way that people would greet each other with a kiss on both cheeks. I loved how most people had a skin color that was close to mine. I loved how smoothly the Spanish language rolled off of people's tongues, sounding like music to my ears. I loved how hospitable and warm the people were, how they welcomed me a stranger into their home with joy. I loved the way the mountains would greet me every morning. I loved the sound of roosters in the morning, the company of stray dogs and the smell of fire. My heart felt a special connection to Guatemala for all of these reasons and since I left in 2017, I kept thinking of ways that I could go back, but it was never the right time because of my school schedule and life events outside of my control. Yet, I kept holding on to the dream of one day going back to Guatemala. At one point, I thought of giving up on this dream because it felt like it was never going to be the right time. And on many occasions I questioned the validity of this dream. Did I create an unrealistic picture of Guatemala in my head and that's why I wanted to go back? Did I feel such a strong connection to this place because it was the first country I traveled to outside of North America? All of these doubts had some level of truth to them and I think it was important for me to ask myself these questions but rather than embracing this dream that I had, I was trying to undermine its validity. Now, 5 years later I will be going back to Guatemala. I leave in three days. It's crazy because I first wrote the draft for this blog post in December 2019 and it is now July 2022. Dreams do come true even if they seem small and even if they don't happen in the timeframe you had in your mind. I'm writing this for myself. To remind myself to keep holding on to my dreams even when they feel like they are too far away or unrealistic. It's so easy to question ourselves and wonder if our dreams even matter because they are taking so much longer to unfold then we ever imagined. But I strongly believe that God places small and big dreams on our hearts. Dreams give us a glimpse of a future we can't yet see but God can. Dreams allow us this unique opportunity to practice faith, to continue believing in what we can't see hoping that one day it will become our reality. I've had many dreams in my short life and many more I have for my future and every time a dream or prayer of mine comes to be, I stand in awe all over again. Our dreams matter to God and they should matter to us too. No one tells you how grief will wake you up in the middle of the night
No one tells you how the tears won’t stop, and you’ll wonder if your eyes can ever go dry No one tells you how losing him so young makes you afraid of death You aren’t even afraid of dying but you are terrified of dying before you truly get the chance to live No one tells you that you will have to hold your little sister up as she crumbles to the ground the moment she hears that her Daddy is never coming back No one tells you how two years without him will feel like almost a decade No one tells you that everything you thought was important will suddenly become insignificant No one tells you how you will dread the very day that was meant to be the happiest day of your life because you know he won’t be there to walk you down the aisle No one tells you that the only solid memories you will have of him come in the form of pictures that can so easily be lost or erased No one tells you that you will always miss him no matter how much time has passed No one tells you how you will see his face in the eyes of the black man on the corner of the street No one tells you anything No one warns you about loss But how could they? How can you truly prepare someone for the worst day of their life? How can you truly explain to someone the hollowness that comes with losing your Dad before you’re able to get married or have kids? Oh how I would do absolutely anything to be able to watch Daddy play with my kids. No one tells you how you will constantly wonder what if… What if he was still here...? What if I answered his phone call...? What if I let him visit me when he asked…? What if I told him one extra time, I love him…? Grief is the absolute worst thing I’ve ever known. It has crumpled me up into a million pieces. I never knew I could experience an ache, an emptiness, an anger, and hollowness so deep. But no one tells you. *Originally written on June 25, 2018*
I am a slow learner. Sometimes it takes me years to learn one lesson. And I guess in a sense, we will never fully learn all that we need to know because life is a constant learning process. But the one thing I've been learning over and over in the past few years is how to find contentment. I am dreamer, so I am always thinking of the next best thing and am envisioning all the exciting things that my future could one day hold. The problem is sometimes I get so caught up in what could be that I lose sight of what already is. So, I have been trying to learn how to find joy within this waiting space. What do you do when you aren't exactly where you want to be? That's the question I've had to wrestle with. What I have been realizing in these past few years is that I can live out parts of my dreams in the waiting space too. I don't have to wait for something big to happen in my life for me to live the life I want to live. Joy can be found in the moments right in front of me. Joy is not only reserved for some distant place in the future when I have everything I want. Joy is already here, but am I willing to search for it? Or am I only searching for the possibility of joy in the future? Maybe this part of my life isn't even supposed to be a waiting space, maybe it's supposed to be a joy space. Maybe what I am supposed to learn in this season of my life isn't how to wait well but how to find joy well. For so long, I thought that I would miraculously feel better about my life if I was living out my big dreams. But what if joy isn't even guaranteed when my big dreams come true? What if contentment isn't found in outside circumstances but what if contentment is found within? What if contentment isn't something that just happens when we feel like we are in the right place at the right time, but what if contentment is something we must earnestly seek for in the moments we feel most out of place? I want to look at the life I have right now and smile. Joy, I am coming for you, look out! _____________________________________________________________________________________________ PART 2 As I reflect on my last blog post: The Joy Space, I can't help but think of all the things that I have learned about entering the joy space this summer. It has been more than two months since I chose to be intentional about finding more joy in my everyday life. What I have realized is that joy is never too far off, and it is often found in the simplest of things. Some of my sweetest joy moments this summer happened when I was hearing parts of someone's story, when I was able to laugh with my campers, and when I could have conversations that mattered. Joy is found in being thankful. Joy is found when you understand that your place matters, and you matter more than you would ever dare to believe. Joy is found when you let God lead you, instead of doing everything in your power to be in control of your own life. Joy is found in letting go and being present. Joy is found when you are intentional about building relationships. Joy is found when you play a game of basketball with a bunch of 11 years olds and have a water balloon fight. Joy is found when you go to the beach with your family and build sandcastles. Joy is always there, always within reach. I have come to see that joy is a state of mind more than anything. The joy space is a space that I get to enter whenever I want to. The joy space isn't only accessible when my external circumstances fall into place. The joy space is always here. The question is, will I choose joy right now or will I keep clinging to this idea that joy is only found when all my dreams come true? Joy has been calling my name for so many years but so often, I ignore her voice. Cheers! This is to a year of more joy! What if God wanted us to know his heart in the longing more than He wanted to give us the thing we long for? What if the longing and waiting seasons of our life were meant to point us closer to God and not further away from Him? What if instead of setting our eyes on the thing our hearts desire, we set our eyes on the One who is in control of all things. God has been slowly revealing his heart to me, and I am beginning to see things more clearly that I have overlooked for so many years. I think back to all the things I've longed for and desired in my short life. But the more I go through this thing called life, the more I realize that everything my heart has longed for, is found fully and completely in Him. My desires are good and valid, yes, but what if the purpose of my desires was meant to point me back to the one who knows my heart best? So many of my prayers over the years have been for God to fulfill these desires in my heart and I think it's ok to ask Him for things. But I wonder if somewhere along the way I became so obsessed with the gifts God could give that I overlooked that He is the Greatest Gift I could ever have or know.
Marriage and having a family of my own has been something I've wanted for a very long time. I have a big family and I absolutely love my people and I always looked forward to having my own family one day. I'm also 24 and have never had a boyfriend. I think not having something you want, sometimes makes you want it even more. Much of my young adult years have been spent talking about and wondering about boys and the possibility of finding love. I have exhausted my thoughts & words talking about love with my friends. But I am still 24 and just as single as I've ever been. I feel like not too long ago, this would have really bothered me and sometimes it still does. But recently, something has been shifting in my heart. The more I spend time with the Maker of the Universe, the more the earthly desires of my heart seem to not be so important. I think over the years, I have actually become obsessed with love (even though I hate to admit it). I looked for love every chance I got, wondered in my mind if the next guy I met could be it? My mind has been on over-active mode, seeking love in every corner. But what has this obsessive thinking actually ever done for me? Except make me feel more anxious and exhausted over the years. For the first time, I feel like I am actually ready to let this go. I have tried so hard to have control over something I have so little control over. Yes, I can control where I go and put myself in places to meet new people. But when it comes to finding a forever kind of love, there is only so much I can do. Instead of focusing so much on what I want one day that I miss out on what I already have, I am choosing to set my eyes on the One who holds the whole world in His hands. He is the thing my heart truly longs for. All of these desires I have, are meant to draw my heart back to Him. What if the waiting was more powerful than I ever thought? What if it was true that God craved to meet with us in the unfulfilled longings and what if we welcomed Him? What if the greatest thing that could come out of waiting on God is that we become closer to Him in the process? Even though there are things I hope for in my future that aren't apart of my current reality, I don't want to miss out on what God does best in the waiting seasons of life. He wants me to want Him even MORE than I want his gifts. He alone fulfills the deepest longings and desires of my heart. My soul is restless until I find rest in Him. Generations of belivers looked ahead to the coming of the Messiah and I have unlimited access to Him through his Holy Spirit. When my eyes truly focus on who He has been and will be to me, the things of this world slowly start to fade. He is the prize. He is the thing my heart wants most. He is my Husband, Friend and Father. He is the One. It's so easy for me to be distracted by other things. Even then, God is so patient with me, and always reminds me of how close He is. He is the God who sees and hears every desire of my heart but He also offers me himself and that is the best thing He could ever give me. A while ago, I wrote that 2020 felt like the hardest year of my life for many reasons. But in 2021, I finally started to recover from the changes and loss I experienced in 2020. In the beginning of 2021, I was still living at home but I was desperately looking for a place to live. I had just started seeing a counsellor regularly and having someone to process 2020 with was slowly healing my broken heart. I remember in Februrary 2021, I wrote a '1 year best possible self' entry in my journal. It's actually crazy to look back and see how almost everything I wrote down, came to pass this year. I found a place to call home with roommates that are friends and I got a permanent teaching position for Grade 6/7 French Immersion. I didn't realize it then, but the simple act of imagining my best possible self a year later, was giving me the space I needed to hope again.
2020 was the year that broke me but 2021 was the year that brought me back. This year I learned to trust my God again. I learned to accept his timing for my life. I learned how deep and wide his love is for me. This year, God began to heal my broken heart. He brought life again into my dry bones. He provided for me in beautiful ways that made me feel seen and heard by him. This year, I learned that none of my tears or prayers are in vain. He sees every tear I shed and every longing of my heart. This year, I learned how good our God is, he is actually the very best thing! I learned how close his presence is and how his love can truly heal all wounds. I'm looking forward to 2022 because I know God will complete the work he started in me. He's not done answering prayers, he's not done healing, he's not done offering his presence. I'm thankful to know a God who walks with me through the darkest and most beautiful days. I'm thankful for a love that can never be taken a way. Despite all the loss and change and transition that came with 2020, God is reminding me once again that he is here with me, he has always been here. May we look ahead to the new year with joyful expectation but may we also never forget that we have everything we need in the One who first loved us. Xoxo, Shana Shaye Some people might look at my life and to them, it seems like I’m doing really well. I seem to have my life together. I have a permanent job, I live in a nice neighborhood, I’m paying off my student loans and I know how to take care of myself. Some people might look at me and be impressed that I am only 23 years old and have what I have. I have had people tell me that it seems like I have it all figured out. To some, it seems like I have it all. But what I’ve learned over the years is that nobody has it all! Nobody is exempt from the suffering, pain and brokenness that fills our world. At some point, every single person on this earth will experience brokenness. Maybe it’s disappointment, or regret or loss. Despite what it may be, no one has it all.
On the outside, people want to see what they see when they look at my life. But what they don’t see is that I cry almost every night missing my Dad. What they don’t see is I wonder if I will ever experience love in a romantic relationship. They don’t see me struggling to breathe as I go on my evening walk because I can’t stop crying. Nobody has it all. Just because you only see the successes of someone’s life, does not mean they have it all. Everybody’s pain looks different and happens at different points in life. But I am certain that nobody has it all. So please, the next time you find yourself envying someone else’s life or even praising them on how perfect their life seems, remember that no one has it all and you will rarely see the whole story. |
AuthorRecent Brock & Queen's graduate and Third Year Teacher! I love to talk about life, justice and faith. Archives
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