I think it goes without saying that 2020 was a hard year for most people. The world experienced a global pandemic that rocked our world upside down. But I think even if Covid-19 didn't change things, I would still say that 2020 was one of the hardest years of my life, Covid just exacerbated the challenges I faced. 2020 was the year I felt like I completely lost touch with myself, I slowly felt myself crumbling and becoming nothing at all. In 2020, I experienced the most changes in one year than I ever have before.
I think change can be a really good thing for us, because it helps us grow and adapt to new things but when change is intertwined with grief, it feels like everything is falling a part. In the beginning of 2020, Covid-19 started to close things down. I was supposed to leave for Guatemala for three weeks as part of my teaching practicum for teacher's college but my flight got cancelled. I was going to just visit home for one week before I left but I ended up living at home for the next year. I finished my bachelor of education online at the end of July of 2020. I moved back home and created a space for myself in the basement. I stopped going to church because we weren't allowed to meet in person. In August of 2020, there were nine people living in our small 3-bedroom town house. At the end of September, I started working full-time as a teacher. I taught four different classes and almost every grade from 1-7 throughout the school year. I experienced deep grief that broke my heart. I was not prepared for all the changes that 2020 would bring. I think when we are anticipating change, we tend to respond to the changes in a more positive way. But when change comes all of a sudden, without warning and completely changes your life, you start to feel unsure of how to stand. With each change that came into my life, I was becoming less and less like myself. I started to fear the person I was becoming. Every single change felt like it was slowly breaking me down. On top of it all, grief was a relentless thief. Whatever energy I had left at the end of the day, was stolen by grief. I felt like I needed space to fully let God hold me, to feel cared for and embraced in the midst of my grief but I felt like I had no opportunity to offer that to myself. I needed silence and love, but I had to still help care for my family and make an income. In the summer of 2020 when everyone in my family happened to live at home, I could barely get a moment alone. I felt like the less I could be alone with God and connected to church community, the less I was becoming myself. The more I had to give out of an empty cup, the more deflated I became. 2020 was the hardest year of my life for many reasons. But I know that the change that exceeds everything else, was losing someone I love. No one and nothing could have ever prepared me for that heartache. There's so much more I have to say about my experience with grief, but I think I'll end there for now. My heart is still healing and as time goes by, the more I think I'll be ready to share about the worst thing I've ever known. Talk soon, Shana Shaye
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I've been thinking a lot about prayer and how God is a God who answers when we call on him. I think I have an interesting relationship with prayer at this point of my life, specifically in relation to prayers answered. I still have so many questions about why God answers some prayers and not others. Yet, despite my wonderings I can't help but remember who God is and the way he has answered some of the prayers in my own life. Of course I believe that prayer is more than asking God to move in our lives but I think something powerful happens when we do see God answer the simple prayers of our hearts.
I have seen God answer many of the cries of my heart, both big and small. Each time that I see him move I'm reminded again of his faithfulness and how he is worthy of my trust. That's why I think it's important to celebrate prayers answered, they renew something deep in the inside of us. I think what's so cool about God is that he knows the intricate details and desires of our heart and sometimes, he answers the very specific prayers we have; not because he has to but because he wants to. When I am hoping for God to provide in a specific area of my life, I don't necessarily expect him to go above and beyond for me but so often he does. He answers my prayers in ways I never even dreamed of having them answered. I am his child and he loves to give good gifts because it pleases him. I want to share one of the ways God has answered a prayer of mine this week! I love how God shows up in unexpected ways. I have been looking for a place to live for the past year or so, ever since I moved back home because of Covid. I love being with my family, but it has been very hard to work full-time and take care of myself while also living with a 4 year old and 8 month year old baby. I've looked on Kijiji and Facebook Marketplace for months for a place but couldn't find what I was looking for: somewhere clean and affordable. All the affordable places were living with students, and they weren't the most clean either. As I am a recent graduate and paying off my OSAP loans, I didn't want a place that was too expensive. So, I continued my search but nothing was coming up that met my needs. There were many times I wanted to give up hope of finding the right place and just settle with anywhere. But deep down, I knew God had something planned for me even if that meant I needed to wait a little longer. Then just all of a sudden it seemed like I had found a place. I asked my Young Adults leader at church if he knew anyone renting a room and then someone in my group knew someone who was. I got the information on Thursday night, emailed the girl renting the room by Friday and saw the place that night on zoom. As soon as I saw the place, I knew it was the one. Everything felt like it was lining up! The apartment was affordable, in a good area and my room even had it's own porch. I would be living with two other Christian girls, one who was even a teacher. I felt so so thankful that God connected me to just the right place. I signed my lease yesterday and will be moving in a week from now! I am so excited to build a life of my own and form connections in a new city. Even though the wait felt long, God provided above and beyond. This seemingly simple answer to prayer reminds me of the beauty of waiting on the Lord. He always has something for us and it's usually better than what we could find ourselves. I feel God strengthening my faith and trust in him through this answer to prayer. He is reminding me how much he cares for me, and that his plans really are good. I hope that sharing this story with you also encourages you to see the way that God has provided in your own life. Maybe you are waiting for him to answer a desire of your heart and you are starting to give up hope in the waiting. I want to let you know that the wait is not in vain. God hears you even when it feels like he is slow to act. But I can promise you that he is not slow to act, but he is busy preparing the right things for us. Hold on. Keep trusting him. There is beauty in the wait. It's so crazy how much things can change in such a short time. The last time I wrote on this blog was before I left for Queen's to do my Bachelor of Education, and now two years later it seems like nothing is the same. This past year (2020) and even up until now, I have experienced more changes all at once than I ever have before. In the midst of all these changes, I have felt my heart break, have felt stuck and lost. 2020 broke me in more ways I knew were possible, yet it also gave me more than I could expect. This year, I learned that deep grief and joy can still co-exist, they are not mutually exclusive. I don't think I'm ready to openly share about the most intense grief I have ever experienced. My heart is still in the process of being healed. But someday, I hope to share all the ways that grief has stolen from me and all it has taught me about the beauty of love. I am not there yet and that is okay. But, I did want to come back on here to write again. Even if I am the only person who comes back to read this blog, that is enough. This blog has become a documentation of my thoughts and experiences over the past few years and I love being able to come back and see how I've grown. I hope to keep writing on here throughout the year and maybe I'll share more about teaching and my experience in this pandemic.
Talk soon, Shana Shaye Four years ago I started my first year of University and was adjusting to life in a new city. When I think back to this time, I remember it being a fairly smooth transition for me because I knew my roommate from high school and quickly got involved in a Christian group on campus. The hardest part about being at University that year wasn't that I was away from home, but rather the hardest part about being at University was that I struggled so often with understanding my purpose and who I was. More than anything I just wanted to feel like my life mattered, like I had something worthwhile to offer to the world. I wanted to impact the world around me somehow. But I didn't feel like I was impacting anyone in my first year of University, instead I felt restricted and limited by other people's expectations of me. The truth was that I didn't want to be studying, I didn't want to have to attend two hour lectures where I listened to someone talk about a subject. I wanted to be out there, interacting with the world, not segregated from the real world in some sort of University bubble. What I did not realize then that I realize now, is what a privilege and honor it was for me to complete a four year University degree.
My mom worked incredibly hard and sacrificed so much so I could have the opportunity to have a post-secondary education. Never once did she second-guess my ability to go to University and we never discussed the possibility of other plans because she knew what I was capable of. My mom never went to University and neither did my dad. They didn't have the opportunity to experience lectures and seminar discussions and expensive cafe food. But even though they didn't attend University, my mom never doubted my ability to do and become whatever I needed to, so that I could impact the world around me. My mom always showed me the importance of pursuing education, as she went back to school to get her hair-styling licence later on in life. In my first two years at Brock, I took my education for granted and wished that I could be somewhere else but oh what a privilege it has been to get an University education. It was in University that I was given the language I needed to describe the things that made my heart beat fast. It was at University that I learned about racism, social justice and privilege. It was at University that my passion for justice grew stronger and stronger. It was at University where I met my second family. It was at University where I drew closer to God, learned about his character and what it meant to live in community. It was at University where I learned about the Urbana Missions Conference and was given the opportunity to go in 2015 and 2018. It was during University that my favorite person was born, baby Jonah. It was at University where I was given the opportunity to write an undergraduate thesis and realized how much I love research and learning about people's stories. It was at University where I learned about Global Shore Opportunities and my love for the Spanish language and culture was re-ignited. My mom was able to see what I couldn't see all those years ago. She believed in me and knew that my dreams and expectations were too small. And now, I am in Kingston, studying to become an educator. I don't know if I would even be here today if it weren't for the prayers, sacrifice, love and resilience of my mother. I don't know if I would even be here today if Jesus didn't become the friend He did to me all those years ago. I don't know if I would even be here today if it weren't for the people who prayed for me since I was young. Four years ago I was 17 years old and now I am 21. I am still so young and have so much more to see and learn in this thing called life, but oh how my heart overflows with joy because I have seen the goodness of God in the land of the living (Psalm 27:13) Last night was our last gathering as a group. It was my last time being a part of the Christian community I have been a part of for the past four years. I almost cried last night. But it wasn't because of sadness but because I was so incredibly thankful. These people have come to mean so much to me and I was getting ready to say goodbye. It was such a gift to have tears of joy rather than of sadness. And I felt so full to know that I was leaving something really really good. Leaving is only hard when you are leaving people who you love.
I'm so excited for this next season and chapter of my life but oh how I am going to miss my people. The community I have found at Brock is beyond anything I could've asked for or dreamed of having. I have found my family here and a home. I have found a place to belong and a place to speak my truth. I have found people who I can be authentically myself with; people who I can be with Jesus with. I have found deep connection. I am so thankful and I feel spoiled. To know that I am leaving this place full is all I could've hoped for. I have no idea how God is going to move in me as I go to Queen's. I have no idea what type of people I am going to meet there. But I know that God will be with me every single step of the way. I know that He has good things prepared for me in Kingston just as He had good things prepared for me at Brock. Even if those good things are not the same as I imagine them to be, I know that they will be good nevertheless. He is good and what a special gift it has been to draw closer to the Him as I've drawn closer to His people. What if joy wasn't as hard to find as we thought?
What if finding more joy was actually fairly simple? What if true joy started with truly being thankful for the life you have right now. I am not talking about thinking of the life that you could have, I mean being really thankful for the gifts God has given you right here, right now. What if in each season, our goal was to have an attitude of thankfulness in every circumstance? In Ann Voskamp's book, "A Thousand Gifts", she says this: "While I may not always feel joy, God asks me to give thanks in all things, because He knows that the feeling of joy begins in the action of thanksgiving." So, what are some things in your life right now that you know are gifts from God? In what ways has God come through for you during this week? How can you practice giving thanks more regularly? I don't know about you, but I don't want to miss out on experiencing joy because I refuse to pay attention to the beauty and goodness around me. I don't want to forget God in the midst of my everyday because I fail to look around me and instead choose to focus on myself. Joy is found by looking around and seeing the blessings of God in everything. Joy is found in being with the Creator of the Universe because in His presence is fullness of joy. Joy is found in giving thanks every moment you get because you never want to forget all that He's done. Joy is something that you have to fight for, it doesn't always come easily, and it isn't always a natural response. We rather focus on what's not working than acknowledge all the ways Jesus takes such good care of us. But I will choose joy because I want to remember God every chance I get. Thanksgiving reminds us that he is just as good as he says he is, and I want to know the goodness of God in the land of the living. |
AuthorRecent Brock & Queen's graduate and Third Year Teacher! I love to talk about life, justice and faith. Archives
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